Don't crumble, Azreen.

So much has happened in my life. I don't know where to begin.

At random times, I feel lost and empty. It's not a pleasant feeling, I can assure you. Ever since I've been off with the guy, I feel like no one is ever meeting up again because we have just fallen apart. I don't want to blame anyone. As much as I can, I want to enjoy life at how it is and not care that I won't get to hang out with my favourite bunch of people as often anymore.

Quite recently, I can't stop thinking about my purpose in life. About what I want to become after graduation, what I want to do and pursue, where I want to go. I forgot the purpose of my life right now. What are we living for? For money? For fame? Overall, it's for the survival in this world. At the end of the time, we will all go back to our Creator, the greatest of all.

Tell me, why do I want to work hard for my diploma? To get a stable job.
Why do we need a stable job? So that we can live in this ever increasing financial country
At the end of the day, it's all about surviving in this world.

I need to get a job. I don't want to rely solely on Papa. But with what's on my schedule and such, I don't think I have the time.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Choices. It will all come to one. What ever we choose, we should stick to it. No backing out. Just like my recent Bangkok trip with a group of friends who clearly aren't my closest company, but I've chosen to follow. I've chosen to get out of the country with them. Nearing the date of the trip, I was already reluctant to go. I fell sick -- dreadfully sick. I was hoping that I could pass the trip. But that'll have consequences. I'll have to burn close to $400 for nothing. I'll have to answer to Papa who will not be happy about it. But God has made me refreshed and fully recovered.  I had to do or die; go for the trip. The whole experience wasn't the best that I have expected. Honestly, I feel like crying thinking how dumb I have appeared in the trip. I think my presence there wasn't significant to them. It really won't make a difference if I was there or not. But the trip happened, I'm already back here in Singapore, no use living in regrets because that was the decision I made months before.

And because of this trip, I feel like I've been traumatised in being left out and feeling alone. I'm usually not like that. I know what to do or how to take action when I'm faced with a situation like that. But in Bangkok, I don't have anywhere else to run. I feel obliged to follow wherever they go, whether I enjoy it or not. It sucks cause half the time I feel like a housefly.

Damn it, I shouldn't talk about this anymore!

So my life has been rather mundane. Trying to get the best out of everything.