University Fair is coming!

Papa already started talking to me about university plans while I have the slightest clue on what I want to do after graduation. All I think if now is happy happy days where I just earn money at Smoothie King but that is definitely not what I want to do all my life, obviously. Good gosh. I don't know. I feel like I've wasted my time taking an arts diploma when I could have been in a hospitality course. Well, at least I can get a clearer picture of what degree I want to pursue and continue in a local university.

I'm not trying to say that I already lose interest in schooling but I guess I'm just so pessimistic sometimes that I keep on brainwashing myself that I can't do it because I'm more worried that I would have less social time when I know, when we grow up to becoming full-time adults, social life is secondary. What we aim to be in Singapore is a survivor because foreign talents are coming to take over our jobs and they may even be in a higher ranking than us.

I want to pursue a degree in arts management but the only schools that provide such platform are the two arts schools in Singapore, La Selle and NAFA. I'm not trying to look down on that school but personally, I feel that I might as well have taken a diploma there as well than waste my time in RP. Sigh, I don't know.

Should I move on to a degree that has nothing to do with arts or should I just go for the ones in the arts school? :(

Don't crumble, Azreen.

So much has happened in my life. I don't know where to begin.

At random times, I feel lost and empty. It's not a pleasant feeling, I can assure you. Ever since I've been off with the guy, I feel like no one is ever meeting up again because we have just fallen apart. I don't want to blame anyone. As much as I can, I want to enjoy life at how it is and not care that I won't get to hang out with my favourite bunch of people as often anymore.

Quite recently, I can't stop thinking about my purpose in life. About what I want to become after graduation, what I want to do and pursue, where I want to go. I forgot the purpose of my life right now. What are we living for? For money? For fame? Overall, it's for the survival in this world. At the end of the time, we will all go back to our Creator, the greatest of all.

Tell me, why do I want to work hard for my diploma? To get a stable job.
Why do we need a stable job? So that we can live in this ever increasing financial country
At the end of the day, it's all about surviving in this world.

I need to get a job. I don't want to rely solely on Papa. But with what's on my schedule and such, I don't think I have the time.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Choices. It will all come to one. What ever we choose, we should stick to it. No backing out. Just like my recent Bangkok trip with a group of friends who clearly aren't my closest company, but I've chosen to follow. I've chosen to get out of the country with them. Nearing the date of the trip, I was already reluctant to go. I fell sick -- dreadfully sick. I was hoping that I could pass the trip. But that'll have consequences. I'll have to burn close to $400 for nothing. I'll have to answer to Papa who will not be happy about it. But God has made me refreshed and fully recovered.  I had to do or die; go for the trip. The whole experience wasn't the best that I have expected. Honestly, I feel like crying thinking how dumb I have appeared in the trip. I think my presence there wasn't significant to them. It really won't make a difference if I was there or not. But the trip happened, I'm already back here in Singapore, no use living in regrets because that was the decision I made months before.

And because of this trip, I feel like I've been traumatised in being left out and feeling alone. I'm usually not like that. I know what to do or how to take action when I'm faced with a situation like that. But in Bangkok, I don't have anywhere else to run. I feel obliged to follow wherever they go, whether I enjoy it or not. It sucks cause half the time I feel like a housefly.

Damn it, I shouldn't talk about this anymore!

So my life has been rather mundane. Trying to get the best out of everything.

Stuck.

It's not that I overthink. I'm just a more realistic person. I'm not trying to be negative or pessimistic when it comes to anything but sometimes, what I thought of are the possibilities that are likely to happen. I've had enough of getting hurt and being self-accused as ego when the actual fact, he's the one who is ego and really hurting me. I can't keep up with all these bullshit. Sometimes it's okay, sometimes it's not. There is no assurance in this relationship. There's too much highs and lows and I feel shitty after every highs that I went through.

Sometimes I wonder what he actually wants from me; what he wants in our relationship. If you like me, you better tell me. Plus I'm waiting for after the trip to confront you and probably put an end to my confusion. I am so confused right now. I don't care if he is. But I need to save myself from this misery before I get even more hurt in the future.

This may a lesson for me. And most of my first times I did was with him. I don't think he knows; I don't think he gets where I'm coming from.

I miss you, Ma.

I suddenly have this thought, that I think it is fated that God has taken my late mum away from the family. Today, I walk in the house, it was lonely, it was quiet. Sisters are out at work. Papa is still sleeping, and what if today wasn't my off day. The house would feel so empty. This made me realise, that after all, in the future, no one is going to be there full-time to take care of Mama while she's sick.

Yes, sometimes I feel that it is unfair for her to be taken away too early from me; from the family. But with what's going on in the household now: everyone is very busy, I think God has shown me that Mama is better off with him. At least her sufferings in this world would stop. At least I know that she is in a better place right now.

God knows how much I miss her and crave for her love and hugs.

"HAVE YOU FALLEN FOR HIM?"

"YES"